Second Guessing

You know what I said to Gage today? I siad: "It's okay with me if you want to cry. But I'm going to close your door because I don't want to hear it."

It felt like totally the right thing. And it *was* totally the right thing. He was wailing and complaining and I was tired of it. If you want to know, he pulled himself together within the minute after I said that to him and we both walked out of his room cheerful as can be.

But it's times like this when you wonder how you got so mean. So heartless. What happened between then and now? What happened to the skinny girl with long hair in those pictures from just five years ago? She would have held that little boy close to her heart and steadfastly hung on to the repeated: "Let it out. It's okay."

She never would have grown tired of the 'I was sleeping...and I was awakened...and I wasn't ready to be....' (which actually comes out as: "Aaaaargh. Uuugh. Maaaaaw," when he's crying).

Besides, if my husband said that to me..."I'm going to close your door because I don't want to hear it." I would freak out. I would wonder what I ever saw in the guy in the first place.

Parenting takes nerves, boy. There's no two ways around that.

But then there are the times that you can see it's really paying off. He accidentally ran his tricycle over Lila's hand today. She didn't even cry, but he hopped off the bike, kissed her on the head, hugged her around the neck and said: "I'm sorry, Yi-yah."

All by himself. And that was cool.

I know what you mean, now, about lying awake at night wondering if you made the right choices. And it's a cycle, really, because who knows!? Tomorrow it'll be something else.